What do they include? Home » Parenting » Rules for Grandparents: 3 Crucial Tips for Establishing Boundaries. Disclaimer / Privacy / Undefining Motherhood © 2020 All Rights Reserved, Rules for Grandparents: 3 Crucial Tips for Establishing Boundaries, Dear TTC Women, Here are 9 Secrets You Need to Know About The Two Week Wait (2ww), 7 Simple TTC Tips When You're Ready to Have a Baby, 22 Push Present Ideas for a New Mom from Husband, Guide to Induction at 37 Weeks: Everything You Need to Know, The Push and Pull Between Parents and Grandparents, The #1 Rule for Grandparents: Never Disrespect the Parents, Why Boundaries with Grandparents are so Important, 1. Are they unintentionally teaching their grandchildren to place monetary values on love and self-worth? That new grandbaby is so delicious and we're just trying to help! No matter the grandparent dynamic, here are three conversations you absolutely need to have with grandparents to clarify roles, set the tone for positive relationships, and find some common ground. How to Set Boundaries for Your Kids’ Grandparents Erica Loop. Trespass 4: Grandparents who allow themselves to be taken for granted. What kind of grandmother could leave her granddaughter under these circumstances? Respecting Family Member’s Boundaries. Make sure to clearly express your rules for grandparents and let your parents know what you are and aren’t comfortable with when it comes to disciplining your child. Facilitate telephone conversations or use Internet technology for … Trespass 2: Grandparents who enable. bwilson525 wrote: My mom and MIL will be splitting caretaking duties once I go back to work after having the baby. But there is one thing that we can always do. After you’ve re-explained the boundaries you expect them to follow and tried to talk it out, if they’re still not cooperating with your wishes, it might be time for more significant actions. Demand the respect you rightfully deserve as a parent. There are never enough cookies, late nights, and stern looks at parents who are attempting to do the most ghastly of all ghastly things…tell their children “no.”. Most especially, grandparents love to scoop in their grandkids with a tight hug. On the grand scheme of things, they are not that major, but they do frustrate the crap out of me. Image via Shutterstock Parents always have the right to set boundaries, no matter how much the grandparents help out. With each scan of a barcode, Dave and Brenda buy into the cultural lie that God created us to be open wallets or “fun factories” for our grandchildren. This will set up a natural boundary that allows you and your partner to make decisions for your family and encourages grandparents to tread lightly when it comes to parents’ rules. Use clear and direct language. © 2021 FamilyLife®. A: It may help you to know that many grandparents ask those same types of questions: How can I be helpful without being overbearing? Deciding whether grandparents can discipline grandchildren is a personal choice. The breakdown in Kathleen’s family began when she failed to respect the authority of her son and daughter-in-law as parents. While you want your kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents, you also want to feel respected in your own role as a parent. When it starts to feel like nothing you do for your children is good enough, or that your parents have zero respect for your decisions, the impulse might be to “punish them” for not obeying the boundaries you’ve set. My father was a player and my mother covered for him, to keep the family together. Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of mental health and well-being. This week Babyology podcast Feed Play Love spoke to Derek McCormack from the Raising Children Network about how parents and grandparents can establish healthy boundaries and work through conflict.. Amazing grandparents. Help your kids experience the impact of crossing boundaries so that it becomes part of their reality. You still have your own life to think about. A grandparent who continually “plays favorites” among their grandchildren and dotes on one or multiple more than others. Join this group For full access & updates! “Grandma, don’t leave me,” my 2-year-old granddaughter wailed. As your grandchildren grow, they will also develop their own … They need to ask her to share the workload, pay rent, or both. All rights reserved. Whether it’s occasional date nights or … The following scenarios provide present-day examples: Trespass 1: Grandparents who co-parent. For years, I’ve studied the history and theory of how motherhood has been defined, prescribed, turned into an institution with a set of rules. In many scenarios of toxic grandparents and overbearing relationships,it’s essential to remember these frustrating actions often come from a place of love. There’s no denying that grandparents are wonderful people we love and often depend on. This site contains affiliate links, meaning that we earn a small commission for purchases made through our site. Someone who acts like they never made any mistakes as a parent themselves. Don’t get in the way of what I think is best for my little ones, and don’t criticize the methods I’m using to parent them. A grandparent who crosses the boundary and begins to co-parent creates the proverbial three-legged race, leaving the grandchild confused about the person who is in the position of authority. He and his wife have been running a rent-free boarding house since their daughter and her two children moved in with them. So even when we need to do what we believe is best for our children, setting boundaries with our parents (or our in-laws) can feel like we are being disrespectful, making it very challenging. Bookmark Discussion. Our society has developed this idea in which grandparent involvement in our children’s lives is a free-for-all. Consider these six signs you could be dealing with toxic grandparents: L. Jane Tanner, M.D., a professor at the University of California-San Francisco, explains that “the grandparent’s role is not to challenge, but to fit in with the family culture” (Stanford Children’s Health). This is not a matter of denying but still setting boundaries for grand parents is … Responding to the Abuse. Jesus warns us, “Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. Betty Lou, in her misguided attempt to be a loving and sympathetic grandmother, forges a work excuse for him. Prepare a script prior to an anticipated verbal exchange. Admit when you have crossed someone else’s boundary and apologize for it. It’s nearly impossible to envision a world where grandparents will never have to discipline their grandchildren. More than kisses and treats, grandparents tend to go over the top with how deal with their grandchildren. Instead of finding a precise yes or no answer, decide what you and your partner are comfortable with. Remember to care for your own self and well-being. If I had returned, I would have overstepped my boundaries, undermining her mother’s authority and reinforcing my granddaughter’s attempt to postpone her nap. Leave Group. Of course there is a range of how toxic grandparents can be. Before you get angry and cut off communication and visits with grandparents, why not choose another path? Well, thank you, Mr. Nash, for that little piece of greeting card-esque wisdom, but I’m going to have to politely disagree with your logic. It means offering insight when it’s asked for, and lending a helping hand if needed. Do we respect the boundaries surrounding our own roles and responsibilities? Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries often falling somewhere in between. Not sure what boundaries to instill? Recently, I told my daughters they couldn’t have a cookie. The last thing any parent wants is to prevent their child from building a lasting relationship with their grandma or grandpa. If you’re having a hard time communicating with toxic grandparents, it might be worth your while to bring in a third-party expert, like a family counselor or another unbiased family member to help mediate the conversation. Do grandparents sometimes make us feel bad about our parenting decisions? First attempt: Ask your parent not to smoke or drink in front of your child (or in front of you if it bothers you). Having a clear sense of your boundaries ahead of time will help you know when and how to react to violations of them. We only recommend products we personally use, love, or have thoroughly vetted. Convo #1: Who’s in Charge? Are you trying to figure out the difference between a grandparent who’s blurring the lines and someone who’s taken things too far? “And often not even by mothers themselves. But watch your step. Establishing Healthy Boundaries. Decisions about child rearing, from pacifiers to potty training, bedtime to discipline, belong to the parents. Communication. It may be tempting to rush in and take charge, especially when you are new to the game and your child is new to being a parent. His wife, however, fears if they make these demands, their daughter will leave with the grandchildren. Setting boundaries with our children’s grandparents is hard. Your health, commitments and partner are all important considerations too. 152K posts 149K members. A grandparent who acts entitled to as much time with their grandchildren as they’d like. Should Grandparents Discipline Their Grandchildren? We solve the new problems you may face with your folks. Amidst their toddler-level tantrums, they happened to receive a Facetime call from their grandma. It can be nerve-racking when you need to sit down with your parents or parents-in-law to discuss them overstepping their role as grandparents. No liability is assumed. As the old adage goes, “It takes a village to raise a child.”. Your parents have been there, and … After all, the gift of prayer—wearing calluses on our knees on behalf of our grandchildren and their parents—comes without boundaries. Some other grandparents might simply not understand what it takes to be a good grandparent, and ultimately, it’s your choice to include them in your kids’ lives if you feel like they can grow into that role. Visit our disclaimer page for more information. Setting boundaries with grandparents. When a grandparent comes along and speaks out against the rules, all the hard work we’re doing as parents can become moot, and our children lose trust in our ability to follow through with rules and boundaries. I’ve learned over time that oversharing information can give people a sense of entitlement when it comes to expressing their own opinions. The reader is considered responsible for your choices, actions, and results undertaken after reading work on Undefining Motherhood. Grandparents can be loving, but at the same time, must "respect the parents' values and standards and not overstep boundaries or undermine" them. Jun 28, 2017 . Having Tough Conversations with Grandparents. This is a significant change from our usual busy, on-the-go lifestyles, and it can certainly take some getting used to. Ask for Respect (and Give it in Return). And when you broach the subject, don’t forget to put those great feeling words to work: With this in mind, it’s also worth noting that our children’s grandparents also deserve respect.